Domo's Twilight crackfic
by aalleeyyee
Summary: MAJOR CRACKFIC! Even for those diehard fans, you're gunna laugh at this. Written by my friend Dominic. Blame him
1. Opening explanation AKA RANT!

Okay, simple explanation here. This story is NOT MINE!!!!

It's a friend's. Everyone whose read it gets a kick out of it, so I ask (_forced)_ him to post it online for others to enjoy, so he let me do it for him. So DON'T HATE ME FOR IT!!!! Even if I am the one posting it, it doesn't mean that I hate Twilight, _even though we do,_ I just think this is a funnier interpretation if it. If you don't like it, that's your problem, so don't harass me with hate mail _we're way too stressed out for that, (and too lazy to bother complaining about it to you) _so please, Enjoy!!


	2. Scene 1

~Scene 1~

*Bella and Edward are alone in the forest*

Bella: How old are you?

Edward: Seventeen.

Bella: How long have you been 17?

Edward: A while.

Bella: How long is a while?

Edward: A long time.

Bella; I know what you are.

Edward: Say it. Out loud.

Bella: You're a centaur.

*Silence, birds chirp*

Bella: Why are you so hot?


	3. Scene 2

~Scene 2~

*Bella walks up to Jacob. He's lifting weights*

Bella: Hi Jacob!

Jacob: Hi Bella. I'm so manly and mature for my age.

Bella: I know. Jacob, have you ever loved a man who doesn't even know you exist?

Jacob: Yes, once. I don't want to talk about it.


	4. Scene 3

~Scene 3~

*Edward hears a noise in his room late at night*

Edward: *whispers* Who is it?

Jacob; *whispers* Jacob

Edward: *whispers* …Why are you in my bed?


	5. Scene 4

~Scene 4~

Edward: Things are getting too dangerous! James knows about you!

*He hand her a football helmet*

Bella: But Edward-

Edward: I have to protect you! *he hands her a baseball bat*


	6. Scene 5

~Scene 5~

*Bella and Edward are in a parking lot. A car swerves and hits Bella*

Bella: Oww… you could have stopped that car!

Edward: I'm sorry. I wasn't looking in your direction.

Bella: That's okay.

Alice: Hi Edward!

*Edward turns around, Bella gets run over by another car.*

Edward: Hi Alice!

Bella: *limping up to Edward with tire tracks on her clothes* Edward…

Edward: You don't look too good Bella…

Rosalee: *walks by* Hi Edward! Do you think I look pretty? *Edward turns around*

*Bella screams as two shopping carts run her over*


	7. Scene 6

~Scene 6~

Bella: Can you really tell the future?

Alice: Maybe…

Bella: Are Edward and I going to get married and move to Mexico and have lots of babies?

*silence*

Alice: Someone's coming.

Bella: Really? Who?

Alice: Oh no.

Bella: Is it bad?

*Rosalee burst through the door*

Rosalee: Hey everyone!! Show me love!

Alice & Bella: SHUT UP!!

Rosalee: You're just jealous because I'm sexier than you.


	8. Scene 7

~Scene 7~

James: Hi Bella. Can I kidnap you and drink your blood?

Bella: *thinks* Okay! *She flies off with James*

Edward: Nooo! Bella! Why couldn't I have protected you more?!

*he sobs in the same place for 20 minutes*


	9. Scene 8

~Scene 8~

*in James' hideout*

James: *using compulsion* I'm going to drink your blood. But first, make me a snack.

Bella: Okay. *she holds out Hershey bar*

James: Wait, where did you get that?

*Bella is silent*

James: No, seriously, where?

Bella: The same place I keep this. *Bella holds up tennis racket*


	10. Scene 9

~Scene 9~

*Jasper finds Jacob lying in a covered up pit trap*

Jasper: What are you doing?

Jacob: I'm lying in wait for my dearest Edward to come and fall into my pitfall so we can be alone in the dark again. That's why I'm covered in mud.

Jasper: That doesn't smell like mud.

*Pause*

Jacob: You don't smell like mud either!


	11. Scene 10

~Scene 10~

*James' hideout*

Edward: I've come to save you Bella!

James: You're not going anywhere with my snack!

Bella: Let's go Edward. *She punches James in the face and he runs a way, crying* It took you long enough.

*Edward and Bella talk while walking away*

Edward: I love you.

Bella: I love you.

Edward: I love you.

Bella: I love you more.

Edward: I love you.


	12. Scene 11

~Scene 11~

*Bella and Edward stop by Bella's house*

Bella: Hi Charlie! This is Edward.

Charlie: Oh! The one who eats bears?

Bella: Yes.

Charlie: It's nice to meet you Edward.

Edward: Your wife is infertile now.

Charlie: What?

Bella: You just decided that, didn't you, Edward *she looks at him dreamily*

Edward: I have made it so.


End file.
